Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Randomize
