Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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