theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
