oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
he shaved USA in his pubs
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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