Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Why is your signature on my underwear?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
