We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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