Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
