last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
