I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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