ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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