Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
