if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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