It's like God shit irony all over that family
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
