i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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