Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
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