You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
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I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
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I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
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