I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
