I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
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I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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