Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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