I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Randomize
