Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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