while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
