my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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