Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
