Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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