anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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