if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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