Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
