would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
