What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
