Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
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