I think I died a long time ago.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
