your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
