I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
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