just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
