We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
