I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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