She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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