i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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