What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
