her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I still have a little drunk in my system
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
