I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
