Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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