Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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