Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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