I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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