Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Randomize
