i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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