I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
