I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
