omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Randomize
