trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
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bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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