did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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