she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
