and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
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My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
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Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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