I accidentally burped into my bong.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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