My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Randomize
