I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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