Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
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