i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
